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Spencer,

You were my one and only daughter. The things you taught me about life and fatherhood will forever be the best thing I’ve learned in life. And I know right now you probably hate me for what I’ve done. But I’m sure one day, you’ll understand, though I sincerely hope you won’t.

The choices I made were not easy. And I found myself questioning my decisions so many times. But in the end, I followed through. I figured that this was the best thing I could have done for the family. And I know it sounds selfish, ultimately it is. But at the same time, I truly believe that had I decided not to go through with it, it would be harder on the family.

With that said, I know that I will miss out on a lot of your life events that no father should miss. I want to apologize for that. For all the experiences and firsts that I miss, I’m sorry. For breaking your heart in the most cruel and selfish way, I’m sorry. For lying and deceiving you all this time, I’m sorry. For making you go through this, I’m sorry.

I know there is nothing I could say that could make what I’ve done better, or hurt less. But there are still things I need to say, that I couldn’t say before. I know I should have said everything when you could hear me, but I knew there was no possible way to do that without you catching on. Additionally, there are a lot of things I wanted to do for you, but can’t now. All I could do now, is tell you what I’ve should have said when I picked you up from school. Or when we sat up late at night on the porch watching the stars. And even when I tucked you in at night.

The truth is, when you were born, our lives changed. Not just for your mother and I, but for your brothers as well. You were the first, and ultimately, the only girl in our family aside from your mom. The way I raised your brothers and the way I raised you were completely different. I can’t really explain why it was different, it just was.

With you, I was softer. I’m sure you remember your brothers complaining about you not getting in trouble for the same things they got in trouble for. It wasn’t intentional. You were my little girl, and when you looked at me with those big brown eyes, I couldn’t be mad at you. It was impossible. Your brothers felt the same way too. They treated you as if you were the most precious thing in the world. And I know without a doubt that they would protect you with their lives. They’ve proved it more than once. And you were spoiled by all of us.

When you cried, it broke my heart. And when you laughed it healed something in me. I had to learn how to be a softer parent because of you. And because of you, I was able to understand a whole new level of love. I love you, sweetheart. You were a blessing I didn’t know I needed. And all I wanted, since the moment you were born, was to create the perfect world for you and make sure you were always happy.

Of course, I love your bothers just as much as I love you. But you’re my only daughter. And you’re my youngest. We spent a lot of time together, and those moments shaped me into the person I became.

But, no matter how I look at things, and life, I knew that I only had one choice. I loved you and your brothers enough to know that it was better this way. I couldn’t tell you all ahead of time, because I knew you would try to change my mind. And I couldn’t allow that. I knew if I looked into those tear filled brown eyes, I would break. So I said nothing.

Trust me, it’s better this way. This way, I won’t be a burden on you or your brothers. This way, you can mourn us together and move on. This way you can live your life the way you want to, without worrying about an old broken man like me.

I’ve lived a decent life because of you kids. I’ve experienced everything a father could ever hope to. And that wouldn’t have been possible without you. You and your brothers are the greatest gift God gave me. I am proud to have kids like you.

Spencer, you made me the proudest girl dad in the world. You’re smart, beautiful and have a heart of gold. I know you’re going to do great things in life. And I want you to know how proud me and your mom are of you. We’ll be watching you from above.

Shoot for the stars Spence. If anyone can reach them, it’s you.

With all the love I could give,

~Dad