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Dear Ezra,

I’m sorry.

I know that isn’t enough to make you forgive me, and I don’t expect you to. Truthfully, I expect you to hate me.

For as long as I could remember, you were the most logical one. Out of all your siblings, no one thought through things the way you did. Because of that, I feltlike I didn’t need to worry too much about you. You were logical, you’d be okay. In hindsight. You probably needed me the most.

I never told that you it is okay for things not to make sense sometimes. its also okay to be wrong. I should have taught you this. Especially when you wee younger. Instead, I always boasted about you didn’t need me.

You did. You were my son. And maybe you didn’t need me in the same way your siblings did, or in the department of logical thinking, but you still needed me. I was your father.

Here’s what I should have told you: logic doesn’t always make sense. It’s a contradiction isn’t it? And the statement itself doesn’t make sense. But it’s true. The reason why it doesn’t make sense is because sometimes the right answer isn’t the logical answer; it’s the emotional answer. Logic doesn’t compensate for emotion. I never taught you that, and I should have. Maybe your brothers tried, I don’t know, I hope they did; but I should have been the one to teach you.

As you can see, I failed you over and over again. I regret that the most. I wish I could go back in time and fix those mistakes. If I could, maybe I would have told you that logic only plays a small part in the bigger picture.

Logic and emotion are a contradiction. They are always at odds. And knowing which one to listen to is the hardest part. Let me explain:

No matter how I think about it, no matter how much I tried to justify it, my emotions won. My emotions outweighed any logic I may have had. Logically, I knew I needed to be there for you and your siblings. Emotionally, I couldn’t breath in a world where your mother didn’t exist. I couldn’t live in a world without her. Logically, I had so many reasons to live on. Emotionally, I was already dead.

Ezra, one day you’ll meet someone, and the emotion will outweigh the logic. It’s beautiful, scary, and illogical. Love, will make choices for you. It’ll bring you so much heartache. But, it’ll bring you so much more life, joy, and most importantly- perspective. Sometimes, the right thing is determined by the heart, not the mind.

Life is all about finding the balance between the logical and illogical. My responsibility as a father was to teach you that. A lot of times, it’s harder to teach someone to think about something logically. I think that’s because emotional decisions are the first thing a person learns how to do, meanwhile, logic only comes after experience. You didn’t need my help in that area, and I neglected to help you in the other areas of life. I’ll never be able to express to you just how much I regret that.

When you meet someone who makes you do things you thought you’d never do, like take stupid pictures in one of those tiny photo booths, or run in the rain because it’s “fun” and “spontaneous”, you’ll understand what I mean. When you let a girl move in, and she upends your life with the snap of a finger, you’ll understand. When you decide that your one income is enough to take care of your family so your wife can stay at home, you’ll understand. And when you notice that nothing in the world will make you give up that complicated life for something much more simpler, you’ll definitely understand.

Sometimes, the right choice is the illogical choice. You’ll spend thousands of dollars on a single day just to see your wife happy. That is an emotional choice, not a logical one. You’ll dress up as Santa Clause in the middle of the night, eat an unhealthy amount of cookies, plant fake snow footprints on the carpet – even though you live in California where it doesn’t snow, and put presents under the tree that says from “Santa” instead of “Daddy”. You’ll lie to your kids, because it’ll make them happy. It’s not logical, but it’s also not wrong.

I also want to let you know that it’s okay not to be okay. Your brother probably needs to hear that the most. He’s probably trying to keep everything together for the sake of the family. I’d like you to tell him that. He’d take it better if it came from you. I’d only sound like a hypocrite.

Ezra, allow yourself to feel. Give in to the emotions. Give your brain a break and just feel. If your gut is telling you something, trust it. I never taught you that, but I believe you will find the balance and you will enjoy life.

I love you. You are God’s greatest gift. I’ve always been proud of you, and I will always be proud of you. Take care of yourself.

-Love Dad